the fearless factor...

first off...I want you all to know that I am writing this blog in a very compromising position, one which I may tell you about a few years down the road, if (and when) I reach new heights of utter humiliation by then.

Anyway...the fearless factor. lame, I know. but I was struck by it's catchiness as I was thinking/driving on Alligator Alley yesterday around 5:30pm. (sunset...and the most incredible one to date)

Yes, you see I've always shaken my fist at the, in my mind, serendipitous compliment that always seemed so unattainable for me: fearlessness.

"oh, he's such a fearless actor..." "she attacks the part so fearlessly." "their process is just downright fearless!"

(slow clap) good. for. them.

It's one of those things, you know...that "it" factor...(which to be completely honest...I thought I've had my entire life :| )

Only recently have I discovered the power within myself to cast off this fear that chains me. HA HA! And it comes with such triumph!

Tomorrow I board a very early flight to NY for Xmas. Do I have any real plans? No. But it's better than staying in Florida...I am putting my complete and utter faith in the people I've kept in touch with enough to call friends...and flipping through the rolodex in my mind, scouring for any reason why these particular people may let me go homeless during xmas in NYC. Let's hope some of those cards weren't stuck together...you know, brain-goo.

Not only this impromptu trip, but my overall demeanor has changed. Apparently I have anxiety...I don't know...but since I've met certain people and have really been able to map out what I want, and the people I want in my life...I've taken on the patience of a spider spinning it's silken web. On which, like flies, the people I consider the most dear to me will be stuck...and I will later devour. no. well...if you consider "love" a predator. I don't, for the record...but if you did, that's what it'd be like. :|

Problem is...I literally can't tell where my excitement ends and my so called "anxiety" begins! I thought I was going to pass out at the dinner table tonight...out of fear? hope not...excitement? hope so...uncertainty? yeah most likely. It's overwhelming, this new me...

I still hear it. faint but clear. "what if...?" "but..." "shoulda, coulda, woulda..." and instantly I am struck, I'm talking split-second, AH!!(LAUGH! Because...the world is conspiring to shower me with blessings! (I did not make that up, cited: Rob Breszny - Pronoia look it up.)

And I trust myself now, to continuously find the good in EVERY situation I'm either thrust or willingly walk blindly into...

I trust my intentions. I trust the love and care I've put into the relationships I've cultivated. I trust my resourcefulness. And I trust the process of life.

I was chatting with someone not too long ago about "love." And they expressed the concern that...they must be in love to have any revelation about love. Not so, I said. They then corrected themself by saying they meant that, if they knew anything about love, they'd be able to have it in their life. HA! To which I replied...um, love (to me, as I understand it) is not something in which you can excel or fail...but you must be open and willing for love to find you. Relationships are where the work is.

But love...is inherent.

I felt good about this discovery. And it was a discovery for me, though I must have seemed like an authority on the subject.(cue eye-roll for the girl who's never been in a solid relationship lasting more than 3 mos.)

The point being...you must ask, unselfishly, for the things you want from the universe. (again, not me...Pronoia, seriously look it up)

How? I don't fucking know. figure out what that means for you. that's another thing...there's a lot you have to interpret yourself from the gifts and clues you're given by the universe. nothing and no one's gonna just tell you the answer. You have to fill in the blank with the best possible outcome. Skew your interpretation, despite your gut instincts, toward the good. And it may very well become so...of course use your effing brain-don't be a fool. But keep it on the bright side. Use it as an opportunity to market your life to the positive energy floating around looking to invest.

And on that note...I am off to dreamland, where hopefully I won't remember a thing this time and get a full night's rest for an early flight to what can and most likely will be the best Christmas I've ever had in this life.

Adieu, my fellow citizens of the world.

happiness...

First I'd just like to say that NBC had some pretty bomb-ass tv on last night. Great writers are invaluable.

Now, I'd like to express my complete and utter happiness with life at this very moment...a rather odd realization as I am at Barnes & Noble waiting for my car to be fixed for which I must walk about 2 miles to collect and pay for in a few hours. But you know what? despite my hangover and numb-tummy ulcer feeling...it is today, a beautiful day, and it is a year in which I have incredibly entertaining and reliable friends who don't mind scooping me up before their rehearsal to drop me off at said B&N, so that I did not have to walk AND where I can write this blog using free wireless internet. (a service I always feel criminal for using, like just waiting for someone to come up and catch me...with consequences)

So yes, happiness...it is the freedom with which I feel uninhibited. It is the realization of comfort in my skin. when I woke up on the bathroom floor to my roommate knocking on the bathroom door somewhere close to 1 in the morning...I did not expect today to be this rewarding. Perhaps that is why it is that much more exciting to find this real euphoria I am floating in right now.

To live in a moment where I can get a call from one of the most treasured, talented people in my life currently, interrupting the latest episode of 30 Rock, pick it up and discuss the liklihood of our theater company selling 6 performances, and then rap on new projects and ideas and inspirations that make us different than anything we see happening in theater in this town...eternal bliss.

How did I get so lucky? And to top it all off...I get to do a show tonight! I'm working...in the theater. With amazing people. It's just ridiculous. I want everyone in the world to know this feeling of fulfillment. Everyone should be able to pursue the life and career they really want...not what the media tells us we should...money, fame, all of that bullshit...but the real deal, soul satisfying life and passions that make this journey on earth count to the fullest. Exhaust life!

Pronoia is right. the universe IS conspiring for me. for my well being and even beyond that...for my eternal bliss. the good is infinitely more interesting than the bad. it's all true.

so, thank you. thank you. light and love shooting out of every surface on my person and every glimmer of something hanging in the universe just for me. and for you. and for everyone who hasn't found it yet...yet. because it is out there for everyone, I believe...you must embrace what you want, visualize it...and know it is out there.

being gay isn't a reason to kill yourself...it's a reason to love, it's a reason to be brave enough to host true love. we need to fill our children with strength and a hunger for life so big they couldn't possibly conceive of destroying it. suicide is selfish. it is sad, but it is selfish...how dare you think there isn't anything left for you in this world. How can you not see the millions, billions of people making it work? And shame on those people around you for perpetuating the hate and judgment and ignorance that blinded you to the joy and acceptance that I see everyday in the world. I wish I could corral all of these youths and just give them a hug. just wrap my arms around these little freaks and squeeze the love they've lost back into them...because people ARE inherently good.

well that turned into something, huh? sheesh. well I gotta go, my battery is dying...but, I had to write something to commemorate this feeling of bliss today. and there it was...with a little mention to gay teen suicide. it stems from love...you can't stop it...and to quote a rather enigmatic fellow- "I can't keep it in" -Cat Stevens

and with that, I leave you. seize the day, mother fuckers.

people...

for the past few years or so...with a few pitfalls in between...

I have been thoroughly unimpressed by the people in this city, state, country, continent, world we all live in. Now I'm not speaking generally...I'm speaking purely romantically.

I have not had a crush, a serious: "uh oh."-crush in YEARS.

I have sincerely forgotten the impact one special person can make on my life...I've been so content with my career and self that it hasn't really even crossed my mind as something to spend time even considering...

But what I think the point of these feelings are, as they have nowhere to go or manifest really, is human connection in general.

I spend my life inhabiting the shells of imaginary people, stepping into shoes foreign, and considering every aspect of another's life...and yet, I have to admit I have no connection to my fellow world-citizens. And what's even more scary is: I thought I did. :/

I thought for sure, this career MEANS I have a serious connection to all people...but I forgot about love. for a second (years.)

And what am I feeling now, for a person, for any person...? love. acceptance. I am complimentng people I would normally chastize only to be funny, but we all know 50% of all jokes are true, and in my case close to 80%...I like to push the boundary a little, shake things up. ;)

But yeah. So maybe it might be one person, one adorable, subtly lisped, came out of nowhere, person...but in fear for my libra-heart, I shall remain general about it. them. her.

Here's to remembering connection, not out of nostalgia, but out of presence. I am thankful for the world deciding that I need this lesson now, in all honesty...in a strange way I wish I'd never have to admit to myself or otherwise, I had given up on.

Naturally as a libra, I am being tortured with how to go about this new discovery...but for once in my life, a strong part of me is okay with the uncertainty of it all, I finally have embraced living in the moment...not as an acting exercise either but as an honest to god human state of mind. which is all scary and exciting...growth, man. Can't ask for much more than that: growth.

And whether I feel pain or pleasure in the ol' ticker...I am so fucking happy to be feeling. Remember that? The feelings? ugh...no more deadness...it is saturated with life. thank you!

I feel great. I do. inside and out, motivated, caught in a spotlight I truly feel I had nothing to do with. but I'm dancin', man...I tell ya, I'm doing the watusi!

So, whatever happens: happens. I'm in a romantic mood of sorts...so please do not question my love and affection for any of you in the next couple of months: A. it's creepin' up on the holidays and I'm a true sucker for that crap, and B. I just noticed you. And everyone deserves to be noticed.

Human connection. attraction. for you. it. them. her.

can't help it. I love, I just remembered...

Love.

yeah...I'm gonna go ahead a take a stab at it. the age-old question.

first off, an ex of mine was telling me that autumn can bring up feelings of nostalgia and lonliness, she seemed hesitant to suggest that as the source of my feelings when I called her, only because I live in Florida where a physical autumn does not exist necessarily. But I assured her that may be the reason...

Autumn. Fall. Change.

Love. been in it. been out of it. have it for myself, and for people in general. identifies what compliments me..."i love this, i love that..." try to live for it.

I could sit here and list off the spectrum of what "love" could mean for any reason or another...but I think we all get the general concept of love. I hope so, at least. It's pretty great, you should try it...damn! I've arrived at my point so early!

try it. try on some love. it's about as attainable as an originally priced dress at Anthropologie. for me. you make your own analogy...point is: love finds you.

you can't go out and search for it. that's why I really don't subscribe to dating. why? am I starting a collection of slightly attractive, unimpressive, "if I had to..." people? which begs the question... "do I need love?" now, clearly that's ridiculous.

countless studies have shown that love is vital to the mental and sometimes physical health of an animal, any animal...without it, especially at a young age, you can develop severe trust and abandonment issues, misplaced anger and fear. I was loved. I am loved. but I'm beginning to think the love I have for myself isn't leaving room for love from another.

Where's the balance you know? you live in a city that isn't known for a high population of the kinds of people who would turn my eye, you're constantly unimpressed with the people it does have, and you, subsequently, do not seem to be in high demand either. what choice do you have for companionship...awesome friends? check. pet? check, until the universe steals her from you. divert your inentions toward furthuring your career? CHECK.

so, now I'm left with a fairly successful career, great friends, a Walnut-shaped hole in my heart, and SO MUCH LOVE...for myself. :\

they say no one can love you until you love yourself...well? I feel like I constantly have something in abundance, except for what I want to have. something that all ppl should have, but most tragically do not, but I do...I have that, but I don't have another's love. and I'm fairly certain only 1 person has ever truly loved me. but as irony has it...that person was the one who hurt me most.

but I'm thinking at this point, I'll take the hurt with the love than no love at all...at least I'll remember how to feel.

Wow, that was very pathetic and girly of me. little bitter too. Ah well, silly feelings...

Success: Part 1

What does success mean?

I once got a fortune cookie that said:

"You will have setbacks early in life."

and only a few months ago, I had considered myself still in the "early" part of my life this very wise, manufactured oracle refers to. But lately I've been getting a feeling that implies maybe the setbacks have ceased?

And I don't know which is more terrifying...

Because I know how to navigate in the world in which I am an underdog. And there's something strangely comfortable about that world...I trust myself in that world, I know myself in that world.

ha, huh...I wrote that world.

Am I writing this, what's happening in this new world? Is this me? Is this all of my childhood dreams and aspirations bubbling up without my conscious knowledge? Am I a victim of my own determination?

They told me I could be whatever I wanted...to dream big, reach for the moon, at least you'll fall on the stars...and I did, and I love dreaming it may be all I do. And it's fun. But...am I catching up to my dreams? Is this the time I start taking responsibility for them?

I want to be good. I believe, truly, everyone does. And I can honestly say, I like myself. Not in all fields, but generally...I have a general love of self, yes.

And yoga, among other spiritual theories teaches us that we are nothing. That this body is nothing, a shell, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. This life is one of many my soul will occupy. Um...is that frightening to anyone else??

This is all I know, and I'm working really hard on making this one count, and shit has happened in this life that for better or for worse makes me who I am. Fucked up shit. And I still want to be good, and love, and spread my beauty all over the earth. (ok, hippie...)

But seriously...the rate at which technology has advanced in the last 10 years alone has changed the manual of operations for every soul-occupying shell nothingness on earth. I would consider myself to be working with an older print, a discontinued way of life...

Let's say recycled, rather...and the thought of garnering success working with an out of print model on the same grid plotted out for the newest of models terrifies me of what lies ahead...I crave the same success I fear.

I. crave. (fear.) the. same. success. I. fear. (crave.)

huh. CHANGE...it's that time again, folks...and just in time for Halloween! Scurrrrrry!

Fuck, man. Is this gonna happen every time I have to wake up early? Or maybe I shouldn't watch things like that new ABC show My Generation right before I go to bed...nothing really keeps you awake like a good self-reflection...eh?

As titled: this is part 1...success, like people, comes in many shapes and sizes. And judging by my own measurements, I predict a plethora of wee ones...

Let's see if I can entertain them with a fit and healthy home...or shell of nothing.

"Real" life...

So this is it, huh?

The life's-not-fair-shit-happens-trust-no-one "Real life" people are always talking about...

I always heard tell of it, it would sweep down every once in a while like overcast, start drizzling...but then in my world, the clouds would part and there'd be a sun shower. which we all know trumps a plain, clear and sunny sky just out of shear whimsy!

There was lightning today in my world...don't get me wrong, I've seen the lightning, but it was always dim, flashing behind protective clouds...and this metaphor is hurting my brain...

Anyway...yeah some shit went down. Yes, I love what I do and I thank whatever force is governing this universe that I actually have the opportunity to follow my heart into career and life...but it's much more than just loving it. Call me naive, call me green...but why can't I just do it? Why all the games and up and down and wait and sorry and just lack of communication!

We are in the business of emotions so what's with the passive aggression??

But you know what?

I'm a Libra...and I'm going to find a lesson in this, and I'm going to reel in my optimism to balance this out...

And I didn't even have to try. Not that I'm going the route of the victim, but most sincerely...there was a time in my life when I literally couldn't think of who to call, no best friends to speak of...or anyone I ever would have thought to care about me. (Now that just sounds wrong, I have wonderful parents, and family, I'm talking about friends...) And I seem to go in and out of these phases...but no other friend-rich experience has been so overwhelmingly sincere. Or unconditional. Which is weird because most of these people are colleagues too...

So thank you to everyone I talked to tonight. I love you more than you will ever know...I am certain that life has specifically lead me here, if not just to meet you fine, fine people.

Two very specific and literal figures of speech (...I guess you could say; one of them was from a fortune cookie) have been following me around recently:

1. Everything Happens for a Reason (duh)

and

2. You will have setbacks early in life...

Silly me, I literally had a thought the other day that maybe, JUST maybe the "early" was finally behind me...and now I'm starting to pick up steam...jumped the gun a bit, huh? After all I am only 23 (24 in a month) which apparently is old these days to some...but that's still pretty "early" in life I had to remind myself...or rather had to cling to when shit went down. I'm cool with that. It's not like I ever planned to stop working for it at any point in the distant future even...

Ah well...chock it up to experience. Which is like a new tube of paint, or a newly strung violin to my chosen medium...and like my boss said earlier this week..."it builds character" and I hope I never stop building or playing characters...in my life and on stage.

and that's my peace for tonight...oh and still haven't gotten that answer...keep 'em crossed for me, Universe...I did my very best.

Satisfaction...

So...it's been a while.

and by "a while" I mean, a very happy couple of months.

One of the first days of rehearsal for Speech & Debate at GableStage, our Director, Amy London, spoke of her blog and how her readers found it very negative and angry. Her response, of course, was: when she feels that way, she's more inclined to write about it, than when she's happy and positive.

I couldn't have agreed more, and as you can see, my rants, though they be few- thank goodness, comprise the majority of my posts as well.

So yes, let's congratulate me on my happiness...

:) ;) :p

good. Now that's done...let's talk.

I've been feeling very aware lately. Whether it be in my work, my everyday life, or in the observation of others. However, I've also had a creeping overcast of anxiety...but tonight, I was handed enlightenment.

After this very taxing 2 show day of S&D, and that terribly exhausting task of having fun and inhibiting much laughter, has left me...well, overjoyed, shall we say...a bit flighty, not an uncomfortable sensation to my otherwise grounded disposition, and definitely not anything I hate feeling.

However, in my chosen sobriety for the evening I also decided to refer myself to a much needed Documentary film viewing...something insightful, something about the human body, mind or spirit...or all three: a hat-trick, if you will, of understanding. Maybe something in the Gay & Lesbian genre (if you can't already tell, I'm sorta into chicks), but definitely looking to learn about a group of people if not mankind as a whole.

Tall order, I know. But surprisingly, the prescription was filled.

There she is...Examined Life. I picked this puppy out of the "Watch Instantly" section of Netflix this evening.

and I was not disappointed. Granted, I did nod off a few times, but that had nothing to do with their respective ideology and more to do with my level of exhaustion and perhaps some of the philosopher's accents or just soothing, monotone vocal qualities.

Anyway, hop-scotching back to this feeling of anxiety I can't seem to shake...I believe it was Martha Kussbaum who mentioned that anxiety occurs when someone is having an ethical dilemma. She seemed to imply, from my understanding, that anxiety shouldn't be classified as a disorder because it's just inherently what "good" people feel as they live their lives in consideration for the good of others or rather of everyone as a whole.

I liked this idea, a lot. Especially since my ethical code seems to be in constant question throughout my life, by a rather nameless but familiar majority. So take that! I'm good. I care. So fuck you guys.

Now I could go on and on about a few other great minds included in this film, I won't, but I WILL mention that I am charmed by Cornel West. He's got the kind of cool articulation that comes with a solid base knowledge and "romanticism" of yourself and the world around you. That is to say, having explored and somewhat defining the imperfections of the world and humanity, but never losing sight of hope and optimism. That's my kind of mind...I dug him. Hard.

I will also mention, in my vanity, that I experienced attraction to a disabled person for the first time in my life. And to counter-attack that, while writing this post I might have peed a little trying to squeeze out a much needed release from my rear. Ok, I did pee a little.

Hey, I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly not pretending to be.

For now, my life is in limbo, not quite heaven but certainly not hell. I'm digging life, and people are digging me. People with theaters and ideas and money and the need for creation. I don't hate it.

I am of the belief that money will be there when I need it. It's not and, I hope, never will be a huge concern. Just paper and metal, and plastic, I guess...which is why I need to get out of this silly place where these people care about that shit way too much. Funny enough I'm seeking a life in a place that is fundamentally more expensive than here...but hey, quality of life. If I gotta pay for something, I'll be happy to pay for quality.

In another note, I was scoffed at today when sharing my deeply regarded feelings and aspirations to live in a tree house. Now, I can understand that my ideology sometimes bleeds into a cliche of the hippie persuasion...but botanical habitat need not be reserved solely for childhood dreaming nor persons of the communal mentality. So I stick it to you, Patti Gardner, on whom I'm obligated to shower with deep love and admiration, if not for your ability to pull off a scrunchie.

(that last part was a lie, no one can pull off a scrunchie.)

Anyway...jeeze...I'm all jokes tonight. I feel a little judged by my blog, or my manifestation that this is a forum in which I "get things off my chest" with a strict connotation to rage, anger, fear and helplessness...among others.

Well not anymore! This is a happy place, in which I feel safe to explore all of my feelings!

...and to quote one of my favorite movies and favorite actresses:

"You think that because I'm a movie star I don't have feelings. Well you're wrong. I'm an actress. I've got all of them!"

-Goldie Hawn The First Wives Club

(in no way does this mean I think I'm a movie star, just a quote)

Huzzah!

...and good night. :)

places...

Well, it's been about 3 months. So, I believe I'm due.

Lately, I've been feeling omnipresent...

Life has been bitch slapping me in the face. wake up calls and ass beatings a-plenty...people you thought you knew where you stood with, give you a glimpse of their heart, and your shoulder breaks their fall and its a wonderful rebirth of you two in this life. You finally understand and celebrate one another on a plane never occupied by these two bodies. fleeting though. And in my nostalgia, I breakdown.

She's leaving.

And to most of you, my talk of "she" must be romantic. It's not. "She" has taken on a different role in my life. Love? Of course. But there's all kinds of love. More like inspiration, muse, awareness. She's the type of girl people live for. And at one time I compared myself to her, had so much disdain, but now...I'm so unbelievably happy to have her in my life: friend. but. She's leaving.

I started my post with her because, well...it's a huge occurance in my tiny life. it. her. she. life.

Someone told me yesterday, "some people you'll keep your vibe with, and others you haven't seen in years, you won't" this terrified me. My nostalgia feeds directly into my anxiety.

Friendship. Doesn't mean the same to everyone. That's fine. For instance, some may find my devotion to friends a bit more intense than usual. Whatever "usual" means. Bah. I am very picky about the company I keep, and I've got a lotta love to give. So, with fewer numbers and more love, there's a heaping helping of seconds for everyone I consider my friend. Deal with it. There's my peace.

Anyway...I'm moving to San Francisco. There's a split happening, bicoastiality. In a way, I feel like we're being deployed. We've trained, together, we are well versed in our mission, and now...we fight. I'm excited, but also scared, we might lose some. We'll definitely gain some...but my nostalgia will always torment me.

My work. I've somehow stumbled upon a strange comfortability and confidence with my work. Funny, always thought it's what I had. But until I really felt it, I realize...not so much, kiddo. Growing in life. Growing in craft. It all comes down to my journey...I'm always trying to jump the gun, ya dig? but, I've developed a quiet patience...a stroll, if you will, down the path of the moment. Might get bit by a bug, trip over a root, and eat it right where I need to be at that moment. It's something you know, but you've never been aware of. So now you get into this groove, think you're on to something...the color starts to bleed...things get crisp...but what's gonna happen next?

I don't think that way. Anymore. "next?" well...we'll see, won't we? No sense in predicting. That's negativity. and if it's not necessarily negative, maybe it's a good thing, positive...that's naivete.

Live and let live. That's what's exciting about life, the uncertainty of it all. Always learn, never know anything. Because once you define yourself, someone will find something wrong with you. If some people think you know something, they'll try to prove you wrong. So, I amoeba through life, catching feelings for my collection, random clues to a mystery I don't even care to solve. Living in a constant state of curiosity...

live. love. life.

There's no place like me. her. this. it. now.

Self-Perception...

So, many of you already know about my alien-thought-encounter at Publix the other day...but I am slowly witnessing a pattern in my perception of life and self.

For instance, in the past couple of days, albeit the "weekend" and all of what that encompasses...I skimped on my work out and diet, along with consuming a few too many toxins...

...and immediately, I mean, I hadn't even digested yet, but IMMEDIATELY I was disgusted by myself...and in come the terrible scathing thoughts like a flood to bitch slap you in the face: "you're fat" "You're getting older you can't lose weight as quickly as you used to..." blah blah blah, and then, as if by some kind of fairy magic, concluding my work out that I resumed just a few hours ago...

I look skinnier.

Now, it was the same mirror. but instead of cognitive carbs, I had some homemade apple sauce, and instead of watching some really artsy documentary on netflix, I worked out...

See, my entire life I've been pretty realistic about my body image, I give myself credit where it's due and I am aware of what could be better, and really only dwell on the things I have the power to change. I've never been one to exaggerate my perception...or so I thought...

my conclusion is this:

We can never truly judge ourselves objectively.

Maybe it's my slight obsession with being right. Maybe that's why I get such a kick out of judging other people, and the way they live their lives, especially if I can get someone else to agree with me, through laughing at my joke, or expanding on my observation.

It's scary, you know...feeling like you're outside of the world. I felt it again at Target yesterday. Like it was some filling station...mindless people, or am I the mindless one? I used to enjoy running errands, it made me feel older. Like I was taking care of myself...but now, it feels boring. I used to see joy in everything, or find something funny in the slightest stupid occurance. And what's worse is I'm desperately trying to...something that came so easy, I used to think, someone's screwing with me, I can't be the only one seeing these things...but now I'm looking too hard. And it's not funny anymore, it's slightly offensive, and rude, and judgmental, where all of these facts were masked by my piercing wit.

Have I lost my mojo? Or, dare I say it, is this depression?

I don't want that. I'm not a depressed person...my brother was a depressed person, I've seen what depression does to people, and how long it's taken them to pick themselves up and get on...that is terrifying to me. It's like my old self is cutting out, I've accidentally hit the tuner and I can hear myself trying to break through but I'm stuck on reggaeton or something awful like that.

Christian rock...ugh. It's haunting.

Perhaps I need things to focus on that are structured and make me busy enough to dilute these thoughts. February's been a slow month, and not a kind one to be sluggish...fucking valentine's day and shit...not cool, February...not cool. March will be better...I'll get back to being me. It's just so frustrating being serious all the time...or feeling serious...girls just wanna have fun! I feel like I'm getting older...and I can't tell if my playful, informal attitude will soon be pitiful or rage on as pure inspiring and contagious happiness and joy...and it never occured to me that there would ever be such a thin line dividing the two.

can you do me a favor? let's always be fun? And silly? let's never take ourselves too seriously...because if you don't, I definitely won't. I can make you that promise right here.

I think I might try being a vegetarian...