Anyway...the fearless factor. lame, I know. but I was struck by it's catchiness as I was thinking/driving on Alligator Alley yesterday around 5:30pm. (sunset...and the most incredible one to date)
Yes, you see I've always shaken my fist at the, in my mind, serendipitous compliment that always seemed so unattainable for me: fearlessness.
"oh, he's such a fearless actor..." "she attacks the part so fearlessly." "their process is just downright fearless!"
(slow clap) good. for. them.
It's one of those things, you know...that "it" factor...(which to be completely honest...I thought I've had my entire life :| )
Only recently have I discovered the power within myself to cast off this fear that chains me. HA HA! And it comes with such triumph!
Tomorrow I board a very early flight to NY for Xmas. Do I have any real plans? No. But it's better than staying in Florida...I am putting my complete and utter faith in the people I've kept in touch with enough to call friends...and flipping through the rolodex in my mind, scouring for any reason why these particular people may let me go homeless during xmas in NYC. Let's hope some of those cards weren't stuck together...you know, brain-goo.
Not only this impromptu trip, but my overall demeanor has changed. Apparently I have anxiety...I don't know...but since I've met certain people and have really been able to map out what I want, and the people I want in my life...I've taken on the patience of a spider spinning it's silken web. On which, like flies, the people I consider the most dear to me will be stuck...and I will later devour. no. well...if you consider "love" a predator. I don't, for the record...but if you did, that's what it'd be like. :|
Problem is...I literally can't tell where my excitement ends and my so called "anxiety" begins! I thought I was going to pass out at the dinner table tonight...out of fear? hope not...excitement? hope so...uncertainty? yeah most likely. It's overwhelming, this new me...
I still hear it. faint but clear. "what if...?" "but..." "shoulda, coulda, woulda..." and instantly I am struck, I'm talking split-second, AH!!(LAUGH! Because...the world is conspiring to shower me with blessings! (I did not make that up, cited: Rob Breszny - Pronoia look it up.)
And I trust myself now, to continuously find the good in EVERY situation I'm either thrust or willingly walk blindly into...
I trust my intentions. I trust the love and care I've put into the relationships I've cultivated. I trust my resourcefulness. And I trust the process of life.
I was chatting with someone not too long ago about "love." And they expressed the concern that...they must be in love to have any revelation about love. Not so, I said. They then corrected themself by saying they meant that, if they knew anything about love, they'd be able to have it in their life. HA! To which I replied...um, love (to me, as I understand it) is not something in which you can excel or fail...but you must be open and willing for love to find you. Relationships are where the work is.
But love...is inherent.
I felt good about this discovery. And it was a discovery for me, though I must have seemed like an authority on the subject.(cue eye-roll for the girl who's never been in a solid relationship lasting more than 3 mos.)
The point being...you must ask, unselfishly, for the things you want from the universe. (again, not me...Pronoia, seriously look it up)
How? I don't fucking know. figure out what that means for you. that's another thing...there's a lot you have to interpret yourself from the gifts and clues you're given by the universe. nothing and no one's gonna just tell you the answer. You have to fill in the blank with the best possible outcome. Skew your interpretation, despite your gut instincts, toward the good. And it may very well become so...of course use your effing brain-don't be a fool. But keep it on the bright side. Use it as an opportunity to market your life to the positive energy floating around looking to invest.
And on that note...I am off to dreamland, where hopefully I won't remember a thing this time and get a full night's rest for an early flight to what can and most likely will be the best Christmas I've ever had in this life.
Adieu, my fellow citizens of the world.
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