people...

for the past few years or so...with a few pitfalls in between...

I have been thoroughly unimpressed by the people in this city, state, country, continent, world we all live in. Now I'm not speaking generally...I'm speaking purely romantically.

I have not had a crush, a serious: "uh oh."-crush in YEARS.

I have sincerely forgotten the impact one special person can make on my life...I've been so content with my career and self that it hasn't really even crossed my mind as something to spend time even considering...

But what I think the point of these feelings are, as they have nowhere to go or manifest really, is human connection in general.

I spend my life inhabiting the shells of imaginary people, stepping into shoes foreign, and considering every aspect of another's life...and yet, I have to admit I have no connection to my fellow world-citizens. And what's even more scary is: I thought I did. :/

I thought for sure, this career MEANS I have a serious connection to all people...but I forgot about love. for a second (years.)

And what am I feeling now, for a person, for any person...? love. acceptance. I am complimentng people I would normally chastize only to be funny, but we all know 50% of all jokes are true, and in my case close to 80%...I like to push the boundary a little, shake things up. ;)

But yeah. So maybe it might be one person, one adorable, subtly lisped, came out of nowhere, person...but in fear for my libra-heart, I shall remain general about it. them. her.

Here's to remembering connection, not out of nostalgia, but out of presence. I am thankful for the world deciding that I need this lesson now, in all honesty...in a strange way I wish I'd never have to admit to myself or otherwise, I had given up on.

Naturally as a libra, I am being tortured with how to go about this new discovery...but for once in my life, a strong part of me is okay with the uncertainty of it all, I finally have embraced living in the moment...not as an acting exercise either but as an honest to god human state of mind. which is all scary and exciting...growth, man. Can't ask for much more than that: growth.

And whether I feel pain or pleasure in the ol' ticker...I am so fucking happy to be feeling. Remember that? The feelings? ugh...no more deadness...it is saturated with life. thank you!

I feel great. I do. inside and out, motivated, caught in a spotlight I truly feel I had nothing to do with. but I'm dancin', man...I tell ya, I'm doing the watusi!

So, whatever happens: happens. I'm in a romantic mood of sorts...so please do not question my love and affection for any of you in the next couple of months: A. it's creepin' up on the holidays and I'm a true sucker for that crap, and B. I just noticed you. And everyone deserves to be noticed.

Human connection. attraction. for you. it. them. her.

can't help it. I love, I just remembered...

Love.

yeah...I'm gonna go ahead a take a stab at it. the age-old question.

first off, an ex of mine was telling me that autumn can bring up feelings of nostalgia and lonliness, she seemed hesitant to suggest that as the source of my feelings when I called her, only because I live in Florida where a physical autumn does not exist necessarily. But I assured her that may be the reason...

Autumn. Fall. Change.

Love. been in it. been out of it. have it for myself, and for people in general. identifies what compliments me..."i love this, i love that..." try to live for it.

I could sit here and list off the spectrum of what "love" could mean for any reason or another...but I think we all get the general concept of love. I hope so, at least. It's pretty great, you should try it...damn! I've arrived at my point so early!

try it. try on some love. it's about as attainable as an originally priced dress at Anthropologie. for me. you make your own analogy...point is: love finds you.

you can't go out and search for it. that's why I really don't subscribe to dating. why? am I starting a collection of slightly attractive, unimpressive, "if I had to..." people? which begs the question... "do I need love?" now, clearly that's ridiculous.

countless studies have shown that love is vital to the mental and sometimes physical health of an animal, any animal...without it, especially at a young age, you can develop severe trust and abandonment issues, misplaced anger and fear. I was loved. I am loved. but I'm beginning to think the love I have for myself isn't leaving room for love from another.

Where's the balance you know? you live in a city that isn't known for a high population of the kinds of people who would turn my eye, you're constantly unimpressed with the people it does have, and you, subsequently, do not seem to be in high demand either. what choice do you have for companionship...awesome friends? check. pet? check, until the universe steals her from you. divert your inentions toward furthuring your career? CHECK.

so, now I'm left with a fairly successful career, great friends, a Walnut-shaped hole in my heart, and SO MUCH LOVE...for myself. :\

they say no one can love you until you love yourself...well? I feel like I constantly have something in abundance, except for what I want to have. something that all ppl should have, but most tragically do not, but I do...I have that, but I don't have another's love. and I'm fairly certain only 1 person has ever truly loved me. but as irony has it...that person was the one who hurt me most.

but I'm thinking at this point, I'll take the hurt with the love than no love at all...at least I'll remember how to feel.

Wow, that was very pathetic and girly of me. little bitter too. Ah well, silly feelings...