Success: Part 1

What does success mean?

I once got a fortune cookie that said:

"You will have setbacks early in life."

and only a few months ago, I had considered myself still in the "early" part of my life this very wise, manufactured oracle refers to. But lately I've been getting a feeling that implies maybe the setbacks have ceased?

And I don't know which is more terrifying...

Because I know how to navigate in the world in which I am an underdog. And there's something strangely comfortable about that world...I trust myself in that world, I know myself in that world.

ha, huh...I wrote that world.

Am I writing this, what's happening in this new world? Is this me? Is this all of my childhood dreams and aspirations bubbling up without my conscious knowledge? Am I a victim of my own determination?

They told me I could be whatever I wanted...to dream big, reach for the moon, at least you'll fall on the stars...and I did, and I love dreaming it may be all I do. And it's fun. But...am I catching up to my dreams? Is this the time I start taking responsibility for them?

I want to be good. I believe, truly, everyone does. And I can honestly say, I like myself. Not in all fields, but generally...I have a general love of self, yes.

And yoga, among other spiritual theories teaches us that we are nothing. That this body is nothing, a shell, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. This life is one of many my soul will occupy. Um...is that frightening to anyone else??

This is all I know, and I'm working really hard on making this one count, and shit has happened in this life that for better or for worse makes me who I am. Fucked up shit. And I still want to be good, and love, and spread my beauty all over the earth. (ok, hippie...)

But seriously...the rate at which technology has advanced in the last 10 years alone has changed the manual of operations for every soul-occupying shell nothingness on earth. I would consider myself to be working with an older print, a discontinued way of life...

Let's say recycled, rather...and the thought of garnering success working with an out of print model on the same grid plotted out for the newest of models terrifies me of what lies ahead...I crave the same success I fear.

I. crave. (fear.) the. same. success. I. fear. (crave.)

huh. CHANGE...it's that time again, folks...and just in time for Halloween! Scurrrrrry!

Fuck, man. Is this gonna happen every time I have to wake up early? Or maybe I shouldn't watch things like that new ABC show My Generation right before I go to bed...nothing really keeps you awake like a good self-reflection...eh?

As titled: this is part 1...success, like people, comes in many shapes and sizes. And judging by my own measurements, I predict a plethora of wee ones...

Let's see if I can entertain them with a fit and healthy home...or shell of nothing.

"Real" life...

So this is it, huh?

The life's-not-fair-shit-happens-trust-no-one "Real life" people are always talking about...

I always heard tell of it, it would sweep down every once in a while like overcast, start drizzling...but then in my world, the clouds would part and there'd be a sun shower. which we all know trumps a plain, clear and sunny sky just out of shear whimsy!

There was lightning today in my world...don't get me wrong, I've seen the lightning, but it was always dim, flashing behind protective clouds...and this metaphor is hurting my brain...

Anyway...yeah some shit went down. Yes, I love what I do and I thank whatever force is governing this universe that I actually have the opportunity to follow my heart into career and life...but it's much more than just loving it. Call me naive, call me green...but why can't I just do it? Why all the games and up and down and wait and sorry and just lack of communication!

We are in the business of emotions so what's with the passive aggression??

But you know what?

I'm a Libra...and I'm going to find a lesson in this, and I'm going to reel in my optimism to balance this out...

And I didn't even have to try. Not that I'm going the route of the victim, but most sincerely...there was a time in my life when I literally couldn't think of who to call, no best friends to speak of...or anyone I ever would have thought to care about me. (Now that just sounds wrong, I have wonderful parents, and family, I'm talking about friends...) And I seem to go in and out of these phases...but no other friend-rich experience has been so overwhelmingly sincere. Or unconditional. Which is weird because most of these people are colleagues too...

So thank you to everyone I talked to tonight. I love you more than you will ever know...I am certain that life has specifically lead me here, if not just to meet you fine, fine people.

Two very specific and literal figures of speech (...I guess you could say; one of them was from a fortune cookie) have been following me around recently:

1. Everything Happens for a Reason (duh)

and

2. You will have setbacks early in life...

Silly me, I literally had a thought the other day that maybe, JUST maybe the "early" was finally behind me...and now I'm starting to pick up steam...jumped the gun a bit, huh? After all I am only 23 (24 in a month) which apparently is old these days to some...but that's still pretty "early" in life I had to remind myself...or rather had to cling to when shit went down. I'm cool with that. It's not like I ever planned to stop working for it at any point in the distant future even...

Ah well...chock it up to experience. Which is like a new tube of paint, or a newly strung violin to my chosen medium...and like my boss said earlier this week..."it builds character" and I hope I never stop building or playing characters...in my life and on stage.

and that's my peace for tonight...oh and still haven't gotten that answer...keep 'em crossed for me, Universe...I did my very best.