Decisions...

Well...

I've been going on some auditions, call backs even...doing well. Doing my best...or so I think.

And then I learn something. Always learning things in this life...but always a little too late. Always just after I could have implemented such knowledge. And for the sake of this situation ALWAYS at the hand of one such person...

Sure, maybe it's just in my head that this person is always there one-upping me...and maybe she should. She definitely deserves it...and being a little older than I, has most likely learned the lessons before I have. And that's just life. But you know, it gets your goat a little...

It's kind of like the relationship between Kit and Dottie in A League of Their Own...I'm Kit, and I can't say that I believe it means more to me, and that my Dottie only has the raw talent...that's not true. I hope it isn't because then I'll be really mad. Not to say she doesn't have raw talent, she definitely does...AND the heart.

Now, I've been comparing myself to this person for a very long time. A terrible thing, I know, but sometimes I can't help it. And it's, no doubt, a compliment to this person because I only compare myself to the best. In order to see the difference and my areas that need improvement.

This underdog life is starting to cut me deeper than just school, because this is life now. This is the real shit. This is where I am making a stand for myself and telling the world what I'm all about. And honestly I don't know what I have to do for these people. To be seen...to be given a chance. To have a "risk," so to speak, taken on..not to downplay the accomplishments of my so called Dottie.

But something I've noticed here, in this community, is that people like to play it safe...or what THEY think is safe. Which shuns the opportunity to cultivate the talent in this community that exists in a lot of people...a lot of young people...who are here, and who, I believe, can really set the bar higher in this community. Instead, the mediocre is celebrated and OCCASIONALLY through word of mouth select new talent is implemented...as if taking a risk on someone with our kind of training would be detrimental to the already mediocre standard that everyone seems SOOOOOO comfortable with.

And then, the places that do take the risk, that do see the potential in the young talent here and implement it, with GREAT success for both the production values AND for that talent...NO ONE sees it because of cliquie bull shit. Because they refuse to support otherwise GREAT, NEW productions and talent because of stupid stupid political he said she said fucking dismal behavior on the count of the most powerful people in the community. Which is just sad. Instead of enjoying your big fishiness in this small pond, why don't we try to expand the pond and see how we all do...

I know that it's the same everywhere probably but, by going to a bigger community, a much more organized community, such as San Francisco...I am excited to start over, not know my competition (I hate saying that) and truly get by on my own talent. Go somewhere I can't possibly judge these people by prior knowledge of them, and only on what they bring to the table. And them, me.

I know I'm a pretty specific style of actor. But I also believe I'm versatile. I like being the ugly character, but I also love to explore every side of me, I'm also a young woman, with young women's issues and concerns and relations...maybe, just maybe...I could bring a little more than the standard ingenue to an ingenue role. Maybe, as we are taught, I can really bring those layers out of an otherwise stoic "fresh-faced" character. I don't know...if I were an artistic director...I'd look for actors who are more than what I'm necessarily looking for. Actors I can get some seriously specific performances out of, where EVERY character has appeal and complexity. Because people do. No one is easy enough to define.

And that's my beef for today.

To my Dottie...I'll race you to the barn...but we'll hopefully be on the same team one day. You constantly inspire me, and thank you for always giving me something higher to strive for. It's healthy competition because I absolutely respect you...and you know, EVERYONE thinks they can do better in hind-sight...may we each have our respective opportunities to catapult us to where we want to be. I love you. For real. Honest. You're great.