Citizen of Earth...

I was driving early this morning, and I realized, I'm the kind of person who likes to make up for things...put them off, and return to them later...at the last minute. No matter how impractical it is, for some reason my mind will make itself up. As if my brain doesn't have the capacity to plan long-term...I give myself JUST enough time to get it done by the time it's due.

Is that childish? Is that immature? lazy?

I don't know...it could be. But I like it. Keeps me on my toes, I like feeling the deadline, the pressure gets things out of me that I don't think organizing or planning ever could.

For instance, if I had gone to return my boss' checkbook last night, I wouldn't have looked up at the sun today and thought "wow. that is a giant ball of fire in the sky...the same ball of fire that cavemen grunted at and vikings sailed by..." and furthermore, made a very important connection...

You see, I was fortunate enough to have been offered a very special part in a play I am currently working on...and I made a few sacrifices in order to be available to do this part...because I felt I had to...something drew me toward her.

Her name is Olivia...she's 15...and she's amazing. She teaches me everyday, that nature holds the clues to the answer of life and gives us guidance. In the play she makes these connections between giant forces of nature and the forces going on in her life. And it's not religious or divine in any way...she respects the landscape, opens herself up to listen to what they are here for. This is something very advanced for a 15 year old...but so are the issues in her life.

As I stared (for as long as I physically could) at the sun, I wondered about life here on earth. The sun and the moon are lessons that all cultures and countries are taught...down to the tribes, the aborigines...because that is literally the world we live in. No matter what socioeconomic class, no matter what hemisphere...we all know the sun and moon. Bound together by nature, grass, trees, ocean, sand, dirt...rain, snow, blistering heat...it's probably the only thing the world population can agree on as a whole. Like math.

We forget...when all we see are buildings and traffic. Man-made structures...feeding our egos. Concrete doesn't hold a candle to a volcano. There is no painting, sculpture, work of art that has the beauty of the Grand Canyon...(except for maybe a painting of the Grand Canyon, but that's neither here nor there) What I'm saying is, look around! Open your eyes! Listen to the physical world...and draw your own conclusions, develop a relationship with the landscape, you're not alone. And know your place in proportion to mountains, cliffs, valleys, meadows...Sun. Moon. Sky.

Get inspired, and know that the most amazing philosophers, explorers, inventors and artists of all time since the beginning of time looked up at that same exact Sun and Moon and sky and drew their own conclusions, sure they were a little off with the whole flat earth thing, but it was a good hunch considering their technology...

I don't know about you, but that really puts things in perspective for me. Thinking like that. Feeling even the slightest connection to the greats who came before...whose curiosity and ingenuity still affect the world I, Jackie Rivera, born 1986, in 2009 live in today.

Thank you, world. I hope we've done you proud.

Now, space is a whole nother thing entirely...I'm not even gonna go there...kinda creeps me out a little...not gonna lie about it.

Decisions...

Well...

I've been going on some auditions, call backs even...doing well. Doing my best...or so I think.

And then I learn something. Always learning things in this life...but always a little too late. Always just after I could have implemented such knowledge. And for the sake of this situation ALWAYS at the hand of one such person...

Sure, maybe it's just in my head that this person is always there one-upping me...and maybe she should. She definitely deserves it...and being a little older than I, has most likely learned the lessons before I have. And that's just life. But you know, it gets your goat a little...

It's kind of like the relationship between Kit and Dottie in A League of Their Own...I'm Kit, and I can't say that I believe it means more to me, and that my Dottie only has the raw talent...that's not true. I hope it isn't because then I'll be really mad. Not to say she doesn't have raw talent, she definitely does...AND the heart.

Now, I've been comparing myself to this person for a very long time. A terrible thing, I know, but sometimes I can't help it. And it's, no doubt, a compliment to this person because I only compare myself to the best. In order to see the difference and my areas that need improvement.

This underdog life is starting to cut me deeper than just school, because this is life now. This is the real shit. This is where I am making a stand for myself and telling the world what I'm all about. And honestly I don't know what I have to do for these people. To be seen...to be given a chance. To have a "risk," so to speak, taken on..not to downplay the accomplishments of my so called Dottie.

But something I've noticed here, in this community, is that people like to play it safe...or what THEY think is safe. Which shuns the opportunity to cultivate the talent in this community that exists in a lot of people...a lot of young people...who are here, and who, I believe, can really set the bar higher in this community. Instead, the mediocre is celebrated and OCCASIONALLY through word of mouth select new talent is implemented...as if taking a risk on someone with our kind of training would be detrimental to the already mediocre standard that everyone seems SOOOOOO comfortable with.

And then, the places that do take the risk, that do see the potential in the young talent here and implement it, with GREAT success for both the production values AND for that talent...NO ONE sees it because of cliquie bull shit. Because they refuse to support otherwise GREAT, NEW productions and talent because of stupid stupid political he said she said fucking dismal behavior on the count of the most powerful people in the community. Which is just sad. Instead of enjoying your big fishiness in this small pond, why don't we try to expand the pond and see how we all do...

I know that it's the same everywhere probably but, by going to a bigger community, a much more organized community, such as San Francisco...I am excited to start over, not know my competition (I hate saying that) and truly get by on my own talent. Go somewhere I can't possibly judge these people by prior knowledge of them, and only on what they bring to the table. And them, me.

I know I'm a pretty specific style of actor. But I also believe I'm versatile. I like being the ugly character, but I also love to explore every side of me, I'm also a young woman, with young women's issues and concerns and relations...maybe, just maybe...I could bring a little more than the standard ingenue to an ingenue role. Maybe, as we are taught, I can really bring those layers out of an otherwise stoic "fresh-faced" character. I don't know...if I were an artistic director...I'd look for actors who are more than what I'm necessarily looking for. Actors I can get some seriously specific performances out of, where EVERY character has appeal and complexity. Because people do. No one is easy enough to define.

And that's my beef for today.

To my Dottie...I'll race you to the barn...but we'll hopefully be on the same team one day. You constantly inspire me, and thank you for always giving me something higher to strive for. It's healthy competition because I absolutely respect you...and you know, EVERYONE thinks they can do better in hind-sight...may we each have our respective opportunities to catapult us to where we want to be. I love you. For real. Honest. You're great.

Peeves...

This doesn't have a lot to do with my career, but it has everything to do with me. So...carry on:

So...if you know me...then you know that I can get very passionate about the slightest thing. It can totally ruin like 10 minutes of my life...as I also recover very quickly...

But for those 10 minutes...I see red and I am offended, appalled, and somehow find a way to victimize myself and by "myself," I mean: "everything good in the world."

The things in this category could be ANYTHING...from what someone's wearing...to, I don't know, people who manage to make it to 20-something years old without SOMEONE telling them they are incomprehensibly annoying and absolutely unlikable...to name a few...

in the case of the latter...I usually spend weeks in misery, at least when they're around me...and I try to make it my personal mission to let them know they are not okay in EVERY way but telling them that exactly to their faces. It's kind of exhausting...

and I received some harsh criticism today when I confided in my boss my feelings on the subject, and this particular socially-inept individual...he said:

"that's kind of arrogant to think that whatever you could say to them would change their ways."

Was he right? Probably. But my argument was that, if I don't do it, who will? Clearly no one's done it yet, and the lack of truth is what I call negligence on the part of everyone they've ever encountered...because for some crazy reason I think I know how people should behave. THAT, I agree, is a little arrogant...but I haven't necessarily been wrong yet...

Sure, I'm mean, by some people's standards...but that's only because my standards for people is higher than most...and I'm never just outwardly mean...I almost always get a laugh out of it...and if I don't then I think long and hard and usually come to the conclusion that I was wrong, and feel really guilty about it, resulting in a sincere apology...if the person was privy to my display, or if they heard about it...(fucking grapevine...) So...I have a heart, and it works.

But man...sometimes I'm not ok with just letting people slide. And if it comes to people involved in Theater...Fogetta bout it!

It might be elitist, it might be snobby...but I consider it integrity, for what I have found I can't live without doing, for a planet on which I'm proud to live, and most of all for the race I belong to...and when all that goes to absolute shit, and people are NOT confronted with their bull shit, their insecurity, and the possibility of being better and HUMBLE (INCLUDING MYSELF! always including myself...) I mean... did we learn NOTHING from the 80's???

All I'm saying is...if you're fat...be better....if you're annoying, shut up, think...and be better...if you think you know everything, you don't, no one does, humble yourself...and BE BETTER! LISTEN to the world around you and be humbled by it...admit you're wrong, it feels great sometimes...if indeed you are. I promise, your friends will stick by you and forget about it. Not the end of the world...

So let's all just BE BETTER, HUMBLED, and CURIOUS...if you're doing theatre for lame reasons like: you want attention, or you think it gives you license to be a freak...just effing stop it. There are real people busting their asses to bring important issues to the forefront of society, to change the way people think about the world and the people around them. And of course sometimes, it's just fun, but still, it's a selfless act to want to bring entertainment to people in their time of need...and there's always someone in need of a laugh, smile...cry...what have you...

So get over yourselves...consider a tree, consider a mountain...an ocean...and consider how you can fit into and uphold the perfection and magnificence of the physical world in which we live and share.

Spent. Whew.

Horizons...

So today I took the first step in breaking into the world of Film and Television.

I have an agent.

But prior to this, I was anxious...partly because all the lessons I had been taught about "how to get an agent" "what agents are looking for"...blah di blah di blah...had to do with presenting myself in a way that was untrue to the person that I am. I always felt that I had to pretend to be this generality in order to make a good impression.

BORING!

It is a lesson, I have learned over and over in my life...to BE MYSELF! How am I ever expected to stand out and catch the eye of an agent if I'm pretending to be someone else? and by pretending, probably not doing it very well...

Alright so, today I had picked an outfit to wear that was undeniably me...off the shoulder fuschia blouse, linen pants, and gladiator sandals...but then I hear in the back of my head "too casual" and in this instance, I agree...ok, so, whatever... I gave in...I changed my pants and shoes to black slacks and black pumps. FINE! but the thing is, I'm just starting out...

I've never been one to corrupt from the inside...I usually just come right out with my dubious intentions...but in this case, I'll play the game, I figure once and if I start booking things, I can take my well earned liberties...

So, I'm driving, running my monologue in a plethora of ways, keeping in mind these are not theater people per se...

And I get there early...because, being late is shameful and embarrassing.

So I get in there and I'm listening to the spiel...she's telling me I need to send more head shots, explaining vouchers, the list of casting directors I'd most likely be going to on a casting, agency labels...and so on and so forth; me just nodding and smiling trying to keep constant eye contact.

And then I see it...for a second..."is that me? no, I didn't take a body shot..." (all of this in my head of course)

And, it wasn't me, it was my brown-eyed doppelganger!

I panicked for a quick second, and decided not to let her ruin my good fortune. And then of course I was called upon to perform.

"you can use one of the head shots on the wall to talk to" she says,

Of course my eyes immediately go to myself...(the REAL me, not the doppelganger) and this is when I take solace in being prominently displayed in the center of the wall. So I move one picture over and deliver my monologue to some other chick.

And that's about it, we shook on it, and I left.

So, we shall see...

Inspiration...

So...Thank you, David Hemphill...you've inspired me to create a blog of my own...among other things, :)

Now, the last time I kept a journal, was in high school...basically chronicling drug induced adventures around Tampa, where I grew up, with my off-the-wall friends. They were illustrated and I still have them...but from then on, the events of my life seemed too mundane to record into a journal with stamps and markers I stole from Michael's craft store...(which I also still have.)

I think it is important to keep a record of this time in my life...the struggle, the success, the struggle again...it's gonna be a crazy life for us passionate kids, but at least for me, it's going to be completely satisfying...

I'm excited, and you should be too, if not for me, then for the ability to live vicariously through me.

I title this Blog: "Just Trying To Matter..." it is a quote by June Carter Cash, I've adopted it since Reese Witherspoon's Oscar Acceptance Speech for playing the said role in Walk The Line...

It has a humble ambition to it, I think, that I really identify with. It's the knowing you've made a difference even if other people don't necessarily know your name. Of course recognition would be nice...but it's not what's important. The bigger picture, and your contribution to making that picture a masterpiece.

So, full speed ahead...this blog will explore my artistic endeavors, including Plays I'm working on/ have ideas for (and I love collaboration so, comment away...), Plays I'm in and my rehearsal processes, and observations of life whether they matter or are just fun.

Peace.