money...

Perfect timing for this little exploration.

Um, I've never known myself to care about money...its never a concern of mine until it poses as an obstacle in the way of what I want.

And they tell you...money isn't everything, you hear tales 3 times over...the tragedy of wealth with no one left to share it with.

Experience, friends, character...those are what make a person wealthy.

Turns out...not so. And furthermore I find myself stuck in a limbo land of having complete and utter respect for money, and people who have earned a nut for themselves...and here I am...in need. And these good, fucking GREAT people are willing to give some to me.

But even I am getting tired of this game...every time I receive a favor, I feel like I'm selling pieces of my soul. And why do I get stuck in these places that need bailing out in the first place?

I work. Yet I dream. I trust the universe to give me exactly what I need exactly when I need it. And I've always been complacent with that. But should I ask for more?

And, right now, feeling a little neglected by the universe...what exactly does that mean? Am I not holding up my end of this cosmic bargain?

In an ongoing effort to capture and keep my inner-child, am I acting childish? Is it childish to do what you love, to fulfill your heart's passion and actively pursue what you know you were solely put on this earth to do?

I look not for material reward for any of my efforts, and I constantly see the world at large...I don't want to say "taking advantage" but, ok...taking advantage of the simple folk.

Ugh...look at me, I set out to explore my thoughts and feelings and I always end up glorifying myself, as if poverty, loneliness were badges of honor...

Obviously I need to change...something. there's never 1 answer...but like 50,000,000 complimentary ones.

Man, life is hard. And I'm really trying to do my best to not be a brat about it. Fuck.

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future...

I do believe I may be sitting across my older self on the subway.

By this I mean, our feet are pretty much the same general shape, hers more aged, our faces have the same features and I imagine would age similarly to hers...and mannerisms quite similar in that alone amidst many gestures as if to assume ppl are watching us, but "we don't care" but we do...obvs.

She's much more elegant in her Bohemian approach than I had ever imagined for myself...and with a man. Which could be a possibility...

Of course all of these comparisons exist only in my head and if I were to snap a picture of this woman, you'd hit me on the basis of being completely wrong. Not in a bad way, she's very pretty...but we look nothing alike.

Funny. Age. How we see ourselves. What do we see in ourselves so clearly that others aren't privy to? Idk...makes sense to me. :/

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workshop...

Wow. I felt my heart again today for the first time since it curled itself into hibernation despite my head's "I'm fine. Whatever."-front.

Took myself on a cheap date. $3.25 dinner at Sweet Spring, $1.25 coffee, and open admit workshop performance at Judson Church by Movement Research. Just my style...discount inspiration. :)

Anyway...the program was 3 segments, and with each, as always, I sit there thinking "alright, what the hell is going on?" Searching for a familiar image or idea to grasp on to for the rest of the ride.

No such luck.

Nonetheless it excited me. I felt butterflies sitting there revelling in the uncertainty...again...since my recent forray into the uncertain. Which turned me out like a pitiful little girl stumbling in her mother's heels.

But also revealing was that I found myself not identifying with the subject of any particular piece, rather the state of the pieces. Their unfinished-ness.

It put a lot of myself in perspective for me. I am a workshop. Awkward at times...hesitant yet confident. Constantly thrusting myself into public forum whether I'm "ready" or not. Sometimes specifically for criticism, but most times just to share myself. And always looking and striving for connection.

Sounds exhilarating and clear in it's complexity. But all my life I think I've wanted to be done. I want to be the neat marble bust on the pedestal ppl swarm and consider because its beauty is so apparent and spoken for. Credited. Undeniable in form as a work of art.

Yes in school I was a notorious end-gainer and idk if I've ever really stopped. Only difference is I'm aware of it.

Anyway all of this to say, ironic that I have specifically chosen to pursue such an enigmatic career. Nothing's ever finished in theater and on top of that...there's no right answer!

I slowly await the demise of my mental health...at which point I really hope to be done.

Let me know how I turn out, will ya?

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A Floridian Crustacean in New York...

I suppose now is as good a time as any to start this epic story...

So I made a rather spontaneous move to the big apple about a week ago after closing a milestone show for me, August: Osage County. Twas the best time on stage I've ever had in my life...cried even, when it ended. That almost never happens.

Anyway...so here I am. Fresh-faced...young-ish. Tossing back and forth the shoulda-coulda-woulda of deciding against taking my card for Speech & Debate. (For those of u who are lost, card- equity card, meaning membership to the actors union...which I'm beginning to suspect might be the tiniest bit...um, essential) but then again, this being my 2nd NY EPA ever...I discourage myself from jumping to such conclusions.

Yeah. That's where I am...165 w. 46th St. Lotsa time to kill...whoooo.

Got into the lounge with my Emc card, but have this nagging feeling like I should have been put in the kiddie room. I don't know how, but I wish there was some spray I could douse myself with to throw off the pungence of my greenness.

I can't help it...like my heart, I tend to wear my circumstances on my sleeve. Shucks.

The monitor seemed to be confused/annoyed by my 2 interactions at the table...I suppose they know what they're doing despite his t-shirt's depiction of him being impaled by a rather jovial mickey mouse. :/

I can feel myself cultivating negative thoughts about this experience, however I am counting on my not-so-easily discouraged nature to get me out of bed and to another 2 tomorrow. I'm riding the sheer novelty of it right now considering I don't have a day job or begun finding one yet.

(...not for lack of want, I have a show in St.Pete in May...)

Alright...I'm gonna go consult the tiny-lady monitor, she seems nice.

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