Satisfaction...

So...it's been a while.

and by "a while" I mean, a very happy couple of months.

One of the first days of rehearsal for Speech & Debate at GableStage, our Director, Amy London, spoke of her blog and how her readers found it very negative and angry. Her response, of course, was: when she feels that way, she's more inclined to write about it, than when she's happy and positive.

I couldn't have agreed more, and as you can see, my rants, though they be few- thank goodness, comprise the majority of my posts as well.

So yes, let's congratulate me on my happiness...

:) ;) :p

good. Now that's done...let's talk.

I've been feeling very aware lately. Whether it be in my work, my everyday life, or in the observation of others. However, I've also had a creeping overcast of anxiety...but tonight, I was handed enlightenment.

After this very taxing 2 show day of S&D, and that terribly exhausting task of having fun and inhibiting much laughter, has left me...well, overjoyed, shall we say...a bit flighty, not an uncomfortable sensation to my otherwise grounded disposition, and definitely not anything I hate feeling.

However, in my chosen sobriety for the evening I also decided to refer myself to a much needed Documentary film viewing...something insightful, something about the human body, mind or spirit...or all three: a hat-trick, if you will, of understanding. Maybe something in the Gay & Lesbian genre (if you can't already tell, I'm sorta into chicks), but definitely looking to learn about a group of people if not mankind as a whole.

Tall order, I know. But surprisingly, the prescription was filled.

There she is...Examined Life. I picked this puppy out of the "Watch Instantly" section of Netflix this evening.

and I was not disappointed. Granted, I did nod off a few times, but that had nothing to do with their respective ideology and more to do with my level of exhaustion and perhaps some of the philosopher's accents or just soothing, monotone vocal qualities.

Anyway, hop-scotching back to this feeling of anxiety I can't seem to shake...I believe it was Martha Kussbaum who mentioned that anxiety occurs when someone is having an ethical dilemma. She seemed to imply, from my understanding, that anxiety shouldn't be classified as a disorder because it's just inherently what "good" people feel as they live their lives in consideration for the good of others or rather of everyone as a whole.

I liked this idea, a lot. Especially since my ethical code seems to be in constant question throughout my life, by a rather nameless but familiar majority. So take that! I'm good. I care. So fuck you guys.

Now I could go on and on about a few other great minds included in this film, I won't, but I WILL mention that I am charmed by Cornel West. He's got the kind of cool articulation that comes with a solid base knowledge and "romanticism" of yourself and the world around you. That is to say, having explored and somewhat defining the imperfections of the world and humanity, but never losing sight of hope and optimism. That's my kind of mind...I dug him. Hard.

I will also mention, in my vanity, that I experienced attraction to a disabled person for the first time in my life. And to counter-attack that, while writing this post I might have peed a little trying to squeeze out a much needed release from my rear. Ok, I did pee a little.

Hey, I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly not pretending to be.

For now, my life is in limbo, not quite heaven but certainly not hell. I'm digging life, and people are digging me. People with theaters and ideas and money and the need for creation. I don't hate it.

I am of the belief that money will be there when I need it. It's not and, I hope, never will be a huge concern. Just paper and metal, and plastic, I guess...which is why I need to get out of this silly place where these people care about that shit way too much. Funny enough I'm seeking a life in a place that is fundamentally more expensive than here...but hey, quality of life. If I gotta pay for something, I'll be happy to pay for quality.

In another note, I was scoffed at today when sharing my deeply regarded feelings and aspirations to live in a tree house. Now, I can understand that my ideology sometimes bleeds into a cliche of the hippie persuasion...but botanical habitat need not be reserved solely for childhood dreaming nor persons of the communal mentality. So I stick it to you, Patti Gardner, on whom I'm obligated to shower with deep love and admiration, if not for your ability to pull off a scrunchie.

(that last part was a lie, no one can pull off a scrunchie.)

Anyway...jeeze...I'm all jokes tonight. I feel a little judged by my blog, or my manifestation that this is a forum in which I "get things off my chest" with a strict connotation to rage, anger, fear and helplessness...among others.

Well not anymore! This is a happy place, in which I feel safe to explore all of my feelings!

...and to quote one of my favorite movies and favorite actresses:

"You think that because I'm a movie star I don't have feelings. Well you're wrong. I'm an actress. I've got all of them!"

-Goldie Hawn The First Wives Club

(in no way does this mean I think I'm a movie star, just a quote)

Huzzah!

...and good night. :)