For instance, in the past couple of days, albeit the "weekend" and all of what that encompasses...I skimped on my work out and diet, along with consuming a few too many toxins...
...and immediately, I mean, I hadn't even digested yet, but IMMEDIATELY I was disgusted by myself...and in come the terrible scathing thoughts like a flood to bitch slap you in the face: "you're fat" "You're getting older you can't lose weight as quickly as you used to..." blah blah blah, and then, as if by some kind of fairy magic, concluding my work out that I resumed just a few hours ago...
I look skinnier.
Now, it was the same mirror. but instead of cognitive carbs, I had some homemade apple sauce, and instead of watching some really artsy documentary on netflix, I worked out...
See, my entire life I've been pretty realistic about my body image, I give myself credit where it's due and I am aware of what could be better, and really only dwell on the things I have the power to change. I've never been one to exaggerate my perception...or so I thought...
my conclusion is this:
We can never truly judge ourselves objectively.
Maybe it's my slight obsession with being right. Maybe that's why I get such a kick out of judging other people, and the way they live their lives, especially if I can get someone else to agree with me, through laughing at my joke, or expanding on my observation.
It's scary, you know...feeling like you're outside of the world. I felt it again at Target yesterday. Like it was some filling station...mindless people, or am I the mindless one? I used to enjoy running errands, it made me feel older. Like I was taking care of myself...but now, it feels boring. I used to see joy in everything, or find something funny in the slightest stupid occurance. And what's worse is I'm desperately trying to...something that came so easy, I used to think, someone's screwing with me, I can't be the only one seeing these things...but now I'm looking too hard. And it's not funny anymore, it's slightly offensive, and rude, and judgmental, where all of these facts were masked by my piercing wit.
Have I lost my mojo? Or, dare I say it, is this depression?
I don't want that. I'm not a depressed person...my brother was a depressed person, I've seen what depression does to people, and how long it's taken them to pick themselves up and get on...that is terrifying to me. It's like my old self is cutting out, I've accidentally hit the tuner and I can hear myself trying to break through but I'm stuck on reggaeton or something awful like that.
Christian rock...ugh. It's haunting.
Perhaps I need things to focus on that are structured and make me busy enough to dilute these thoughts. February's been a slow month, and not a kind one to be sluggish...fucking valentine's day and shit...not cool, February...not cool. March will be better...I'll get back to being me. It's just so frustrating being serious all the time...or feeling serious...girls just wanna have fun! I feel like I'm getting older...and I can't tell if my playful, informal attitude will soon be pitiful or rage on as pure inspiring and contagious happiness and joy...and it never occured to me that there would ever be such a thin line dividing the two.
can you do me a favor? let's always be fun? And silly? let's never take ourselves too seriously...because if you don't, I definitely won't. I can make you that promise right here.
I think I might try being a vegetarian...
