Peeves...

This doesn't have a lot to do with my career, but it has everything to do with me. So...carry on:

So...if you know me...then you know that I can get very passionate about the slightest thing. It can totally ruin like 10 minutes of my life...as I also recover very quickly...

But for those 10 minutes...I see red and I am offended, appalled, and somehow find a way to victimize myself and by "myself," I mean: "everything good in the world."

The things in this category could be ANYTHING...from what someone's wearing...to, I don't know, people who manage to make it to 20-something years old without SOMEONE telling them they are incomprehensibly annoying and absolutely unlikable...to name a few...

in the case of the latter...I usually spend weeks in misery, at least when they're around me...and I try to make it my personal mission to let them know they are not okay in EVERY way but telling them that exactly to their faces. It's kind of exhausting...

and I received some harsh criticism today when I confided in my boss my feelings on the subject, and this particular socially-inept individual...he said:

"that's kind of arrogant to think that whatever you could say to them would change their ways."

Was he right? Probably. But my argument was that, if I don't do it, who will? Clearly no one's done it yet, and the lack of truth is what I call negligence on the part of everyone they've ever encountered...because for some crazy reason I think I know how people should behave. THAT, I agree, is a little arrogant...but I haven't necessarily been wrong yet...

Sure, I'm mean, by some people's standards...but that's only because my standards for people is higher than most...and I'm never just outwardly mean...I almost always get a laugh out of it...and if I don't then I think long and hard and usually come to the conclusion that I was wrong, and feel really guilty about it, resulting in a sincere apology...if the person was privy to my display, or if they heard about it...(fucking grapevine...) So...I have a heart, and it works.

But man...sometimes I'm not ok with just letting people slide. And if it comes to people involved in Theater...Fogetta bout it!

It might be elitist, it might be snobby...but I consider it integrity, for what I have found I can't live without doing, for a planet on which I'm proud to live, and most of all for the race I belong to...and when all that goes to absolute shit, and people are NOT confronted with their bull shit, their insecurity, and the possibility of being better and HUMBLE (INCLUDING MYSELF! always including myself...) I mean... did we learn NOTHING from the 80's???

All I'm saying is...if you're fat...be better....if you're annoying, shut up, think...and be better...if you think you know everything, you don't, no one does, humble yourself...and BE BETTER! LISTEN to the world around you and be humbled by it...admit you're wrong, it feels great sometimes...if indeed you are. I promise, your friends will stick by you and forget about it. Not the end of the world...

So let's all just BE BETTER, HUMBLED, and CURIOUS...if you're doing theatre for lame reasons like: you want attention, or you think it gives you license to be a freak...just effing stop it. There are real people busting their asses to bring important issues to the forefront of society, to change the way people think about the world and the people around them. And of course sometimes, it's just fun, but still, it's a selfless act to want to bring entertainment to people in their time of need...and there's always someone in need of a laugh, smile...cry...what have you...

So get over yourselves...consider a tree, consider a mountain...an ocean...and consider how you can fit into and uphold the perfection and magnificence of the physical world in which we live and share.

Spent. Whew.

Horizons...

So today I took the first step in breaking into the world of Film and Television.

I have an agent.

But prior to this, I was anxious...partly because all the lessons I had been taught about "how to get an agent" "what agents are looking for"...blah di blah di blah...had to do with presenting myself in a way that was untrue to the person that I am. I always felt that I had to pretend to be this generality in order to make a good impression.

BORING!

It is a lesson, I have learned over and over in my life...to BE MYSELF! How am I ever expected to stand out and catch the eye of an agent if I'm pretending to be someone else? and by pretending, probably not doing it very well...

Alright so, today I had picked an outfit to wear that was undeniably me...off the shoulder fuschia blouse, linen pants, and gladiator sandals...but then I hear in the back of my head "too casual" and in this instance, I agree...ok, so, whatever... I gave in...I changed my pants and shoes to black slacks and black pumps. FINE! but the thing is, I'm just starting out...

I've never been one to corrupt from the inside...I usually just come right out with my dubious intentions...but in this case, I'll play the game, I figure once and if I start booking things, I can take my well earned liberties...

So, I'm driving, running my monologue in a plethora of ways, keeping in mind these are not theater people per se...

And I get there early...because, being late is shameful and embarrassing.

So I get in there and I'm listening to the spiel...she's telling me I need to send more head shots, explaining vouchers, the list of casting directors I'd most likely be going to on a casting, agency labels...and so on and so forth; me just nodding and smiling trying to keep constant eye contact.

And then I see it...for a second..."is that me? no, I didn't take a body shot..." (all of this in my head of course)

And, it wasn't me, it was my brown-eyed doppelganger!

I panicked for a quick second, and decided not to let her ruin my good fortune. And then of course I was called upon to perform.

"you can use one of the head shots on the wall to talk to" she says,

Of course my eyes immediately go to myself...(the REAL me, not the doppelganger) and this is when I take solace in being prominently displayed in the center of the wall. So I move one picture over and deliver my monologue to some other chick.

And that's about it, we shook on it, and I left.

So, we shall see...

Inspiration...

So...Thank you, David Hemphill...you've inspired me to create a blog of my own...among other things, :)

Now, the last time I kept a journal, was in high school...basically chronicling drug induced adventures around Tampa, where I grew up, with my off-the-wall friends. They were illustrated and I still have them...but from then on, the events of my life seemed too mundane to record into a journal with stamps and markers I stole from Michael's craft store...(which I also still have.)

I think it is important to keep a record of this time in my life...the struggle, the success, the struggle again...it's gonna be a crazy life for us passionate kids, but at least for me, it's going to be completely satisfying...

I'm excited, and you should be too, if not for me, then for the ability to live vicariously through me.

I title this Blog: "Just Trying To Matter..." it is a quote by June Carter Cash, I've adopted it since Reese Witherspoon's Oscar Acceptance Speech for playing the said role in Walk The Line...

It has a humble ambition to it, I think, that I really identify with. It's the knowing you've made a difference even if other people don't necessarily know your name. Of course recognition would be nice...but it's not what's important. The bigger picture, and your contribution to making that picture a masterpiece.

So, full speed ahead...this blog will explore my artistic endeavors, including Plays I'm working on/ have ideas for (and I love collaboration so, comment away...), Plays I'm in and my rehearsal processes, and observations of life whether they matter or are just fun.

Peace.